18

I’m Eighteen years old! Asides from it being the number at the top right corner of rated movies. What does it mean? Asides from it being the special pass card at clubs, what does it mean to you? Asides from it being the leverage society bases your prospective actions on. What does it mean… To you? Is it just a number or does it hold a special significance over your life? Do you base your actions on this number? Do you refrain from speaking until you’ve attained this number? Do you let your actions reflect this number? Do you? Yes, you! You see, you’re everything you do, cliche enough, you’re what you think you are. I might be Eighteen, but honestly I’m only a couple of years old. I’ve sought for solace in my fellow humans and I’ve failed, I’ve sought for love in all the wrong places but myself. I’ve fallen and fallen again. But I’m a maturing toddler. To stand is to gain. I altered the definition of friendship so much I didn’t know I had friends. Searching for a needle in a haystack is very difficult when the needle isn’t there.

For me, a mistake a day brought sanity to stay. They’d tell me, ‘the only good thing that happened to you was your name’. You’ve struggled with low self-esteem? I had no esteem at all. I was the runt of the litter, I thought I was. I refused what I was, I couldn’t accept it, I didn’t want to accept it. It looked so ‘me’. That’s why you need to redefine your terms. Love, friendship, loneliness. The bad was the good and the good not so. I looked for beauty through my own beautiful, I looked for people when I had my person. What do you do when you look in the mirror? What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you look because you stumble on it everyday?
I’m Eighteen years old, yet again there’s nothing special here, I’d probably spend my day at a bank correcting my account details. That’s been the highlight of my life. Two was a crowd. Never really going along with anyone. Do you ever go through your friends list and get absolutely mad at yourself instantly! Like what are these people doing here? That’s how I felt when I was only some months old. Everything you do is for a reason. I tried finding the reason why I’d ever let them in there in the first place. Honestly, I tried being too many people except me. ‘What’s your identity, what do you call ‘me’. That celebrity? Or your person?
Finally, inasmuch as solitude can be effective. Like a ‘Returns to scale’ graph. It can take you so high before it starts to diminish. Jesus, Poetry, Photography. With Him, you can never go wrong. Like complimenting a total stranger, you have nothing to loose. I’m emotional, I write… Or cry to God.
I’m not changed, I’m just a couple of years old.
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